Two stories:


When I was a tween, I tagged along with a sister to Taco Time. I’m no big fan of tacos, but when I looked up at the menu and saw the Taco Burger, my mouth began to water.

I was the kind of tween that was too young to babysit, and had never heard of an allowance, so my pockets were empty. It was up to sister to feed me.

And I wanted the Taco Burger.

Nothing else would do.

The girl behind the Taco Time counter, suited up in her Taco Time uniform, looked back and forth between Sister and I as I pressed for the Taco Burger and my sister refused to order it. Finally sister yanked me aside and in a clenched-jaw whisper, explained that she didn’t have enough money.

And I still wouldn’t give in.

Clearly, I was the family brat who needed to be reined in. Or maybe left at home.

 


A few years later, I was a college student. Every time I needed cash, I stood in the check-cashing line at the campus bookstore. The line could be long, leaving you a lot of time to stare at the stocked shelves, as well as wish you’d worn more comfortable shoes.

On one of these long-line days, two giggly kids walked up the aisle and slipped into line right in front of me.

I blinked in disbelief. What just happened?

They giggled some more. They peeked behind at me, just to make sure they’d gotten away with it.

I was boiling inside. But I did nothing. I heard little rustlings of indignation behind me. But I did nothing. After all, we were at the Lord’s university, where we talked about Jesus in tandem with talking about sedimentary rocks. And Jesus was meek and mild. And you don’t get in fights at His university. Even though you’re boiling inside.

Someone behind me pulled out, cut in front of the line cutters and looked my way with a huff that said, Spineless worm!

Maybe the family brat had been reined in too much.

Actually, the family brat has spent her life making wild swings between loaded for bear and spineless worm.

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Wouldn’t it be nice to finally get it just right?

Which is why I picked up a new little book, The Assertiveness Guide for Women by Julie DeAzevedo Hanks. Hanks, an LDS singer and licensed therapist, teaches the five skills of assertiveness: Self-reflection, self-awareness, self-soothing, self-expression and self-expansion.

Lest you get the idea that assertiveness is too much about the self-self-self, Hanks assures her readers that assertiveness includes empathizing with other people. She teaches the “Both/And” conversation, which allows for “differing emotions, views and opinions,” instead of assuming that one person is wrong and the other one’s right.

The book includes exercises to help the reader understand her own assumptions and patterns. For instance, what’s your attachment style? Anxious? Or avoidant? Did your family allow for “differentiation”? That’s a new word to me. In a nutshell, were you allowed to think for yourself? “An example of a family with a lower level of differentiation is a family who highly values formal education and expects all family members to earn advanced degrees. This family will have a more difficult time supporting and celebrating a daughter’s decision to go cosmetology school.”

And she talks about boundaries.

Boundaries is a favorite word of mine. Have you ever heard a word and suddenly understood a problem that’s plagued you for years? So, there’s a name for this . . . This . . . Thingamajig that freaks me out!

If you don’t already know about boundaries, read Hanks to learn more.

After you practice the new skills you learn in Assertiveness Guide, you may still find that speaking up for yourself doesn’t work with everybody. But her book teaches you how to handle that, too.

Hanks writes in a warm, encouraging style, just what you’d want from a therapist. Her book adds to the emotional toolbox of women who want to get it just right more often.

Now, I need to find a check-cashing line.

For another perspective on the “Both/And” conversation, check out this podcast.

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Tonight’s cooking project failed. Not for eating, but definitely for showing off.

The author of Salted Caramel Brownies assumed I could successfully make the caramel sauce starting from scratch. This means, heating sugar in a pan until it melts or caramelizes. I pretty much made cr*ck, nothing at all like the picture above.

I definitely need more tutoring on this.

Though it’s not like there’s nothing sweet to eat around here, with friends dropping off Christmas treats right and left.